An ostomy changes your body in some ways, but it shouldn't take away any of life's greatest pleasures—especially intimacy. Yes, surgery may make you a bit uncomfortable at first, but there are plenty of ways to help you regain your confidence and feel your best. Here are some tips to help you navigate intimacy with an ostomy.
How Does Having a Stoma Affect Sexual Confidence?
Sexual confidence is closely tied to body image, and that's already a sensitive area for many individuals. After undergoing ostomy surgery, the changes to your abdomen and the presence of a stoma might make you hesitant to get intimate. You may start feeling anxious, experience a new fear of rejection, or have persistent thoughts about odor or potential leaks during intimate moments. Some new ostomates also find that their libido decreases, and their concern shifts to their current (or future) partner's possible reaction.
It's normal to feel all these emotions, as adjusting to life with an ostomy is a journey. However, it's also important to remind yourself that intimacy with an ostomy is the new normal, and there's nothing to be ashamed of. Ostomies are life-saving surgeries, and having a pouch won't impact your sex life in any physical way. You need to consider the best ostomy care for your needs.
Still, regaining sexual confidence may take time, and that's okay. Go at your own pace, and never do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. If you're having a tough time, joining an ostomy support group and talking to other people who have been in your position may be beneficial. The United Ostomy Associations of America (UOAA) has plenty of online resources to help you find the best fit for your needs and location.
Tips to Help You Improve Intimacy After an Ostomy
Although there are many myths about having an ostomy that circulate online, almost all of them are unsubstantiated and simply not true. When it comes to sex, living with an ostomy won't change anything. While you may need to take a minute to prepare or overcome mental roadblocks, intercourse itself isn't any different.
Get Educated
It's comforting to know that sexual relations will not hurt your ostomy, regardless of whether you've had an ileostomy, colostomy, or urostomy. People with stomas can and do have very healthy sex lives, but it can take some time. Before anything, try to understand your ostomy and ask your doctor any questions you may have. Your doctor or ostomy nurse may have their own tips to enhance intimacy, or they can help provide you with product recommendations and health information that makes you feel more confident.
Following an ostomy, some men may have difficulty achieving and maintaining an erection. Psychological aspects of the surgery typically cause this but may also have a physical cause. If it continues to occur, it's best to talk to your doctor.
Alternatively, some women may experience vaginal dryness. If you notice this occurs, talk to your doctor about recommendations, or try using a lubricant during sexual intercourse. Oral contraceptives may also need to be adjusted depending on the type of ostomy you've undergone.
Communicate With Your Partner
Sharing your feelings with your partner is one of the most important things to do following stoma surgery. It's normal to feel sensitive about how an ostomy may change some things, but communication and trust are essential parts of sexual health. So, even if it feels awkward or difficult, try your best to talk to your partner.
Some things that you may want to discuss include:
- Share your emotions, including any fears, insecurities, or concerns about intimacy.
- Explain what a stoma is, how it works, and any changes they might notice, helping to demystify the situation.
- Talk about any worries related to physical comfort, stoma care, or adjustments during intimacy.
- Be clear about what feels okay and what doesn’t, and encourage your partner to do the same.
- Let them know that intimacy is still important to you and that you’re committed to finding ways to connect.
- Encourage your partner to ask questions and express their feelings or concerns.
- Highlight that intimacy isn’t just physical—it’s also about closeness, trust, and emotional bonding.
- Be open to new approaches or activities that make you feel comfortable and connected.
- If the conversation feels difficult, suggest speaking with a healthcare provider or counselor for guidance.
If you have a partner with an ostomy, consider reading some ostomy tips on how to support them here.
Start Slow
After an ostomy surgery, diving straight back into your previous level of intimacy might feel overwhelming. And that's completely okay. Taking things slowly allows you to reconnect with your body and build confidence over time. Start with small gestures of affection, like holding hands, cuddling, or kissing, to ease back into physical closeness without pressure. Let your partner know you need time to adjust, and appreciate their patience and understanding. As you grow more comfortable, you can explore deeper levels of intimacy at your own pace, always prioritizing what feels right for you.
Empty Your Pouch Beforehand
One practical way to boost your confidence during intimate moments is to empty your pouch beforehand. This simple step can help you feel more comfortable and reduce anxiety about leaks or noises. If you're worried about how the pouch looks or feels, you might consider using a smaller, more discreet pouch or a stoma cap, depending on your needs and your ostomy type.
Experiment with Different Positions
Trying different positions can help you find what feels most comfortable and enjoyable for both you and your partner. Some positions may alleviate pressure on your stoma or pouch, making intimacy more relaxed and worry-free. Don't be afraid to get creative and openly communicate what works best for you. Using pillows for support or adjusting angles can make a big difference in your comfort level, allowing you to focus on the connection and pleasure without distractions.
Try Intimacy Wraps
If you're feeling self-conscious about how your pouch looks or moves during intimacy, consider using an intimacy wrap or specialized ostomy lingerie. These products are designed to secure your pouch and provide a smoother, more discreet appearance, helping you feel more confident and at ease. Many stylish and comfortable options are available, so you can find something that suits your taste and makes you feel good. Plus, experimenting with new attire can add a fun, playful element to your intimate experiences.
Find Intimacy in Non-Physical Moments
Intimacy isn't just about physical connection—emotional closeness plays a huge role, too. Sharing meaningful conversations, spending quality time together, and expressing affection in non-physical ways can strengthen your bond and create a deeper sense of intimacy. Whether through heartfelt discussions, shared hobbies, or simply enjoying quiet moments together, these experiences can help you and your partner stay connected while you adjust to life with an ostomy. Remember, intimacy is about feeling close and valued, no matter how it's expressed.
Try to Stay Positive
Adjusting to intimacy after an ostomy can be challenging, but maintaining a positive outlook can make a big difference. Focus on your progress and celebrate small victories along the way. It’s normal to have ups and downs, but reminding yourself of your resilience and the love and support around you can help keep things in perspective. Lean on your partner, friends, or support groups when you need encouragement, and don't be afraid to laugh and find humor in the journey—sometimes, a little lightheartedness can ease the tension and bring you closer together.
Don't Do Anything That Will Hurt Your Stoma
While we hope this goes without saying, it's important enough to mention. The stoma is a one-way valve and is 100% off-limits as an entrance. Do not penetrate it under any circumstances with any object.
Additionally, be mindful of any positions or movements that put pressure on your stoma or pouch. If something feels uncomfortable or painful, stop immediately and adjust. Your comfort and safety always come first, and with some care and creativity, you can enjoy a fulfilling, intimate life.
How to Find the Right Ostomy Products
Undergoing ostomy surgery can require physical and emotional adaptations, but you can lead a fulfilling life and do everything you love. Byram Healthcare is here to help ensure you have access to the support and resources you need for this journey. Byram has a range of high-quality ostomy products built to help improve the lives of those living with ostomies. We also offer convenient, discreet product delivery directly to your door. Contact us today to learn more about your options.
